September 6, 2006

Luke 4:38-44

. . . . . .“clung to him until they could not go on. . . . . .

The crowds clung to Jesus, and for months, for years I have clung to my need for friendship, for security, my fear of losing certain friends, my need for “validation”, and in the process I have filled my life with depression, with fear, and not being able to go on with my ministry. I have clung to what others think of me, to their criticisms, to their evaluations, and have and am crippled by trying to meet those needs.

In looking back at nearly twelve years I remember someone from larkin street asking me “who gave u the right to come and work on polk street.” At that time I said flippantly “Jesus”, but in that flippant remark—I was stating the reality. My whole life has been this struggle to find relationship with Jesus and to live that relationship out, and i came to the City so long ago now to seek to live out that call from the One who goes before into Galilee. When my former bishop had the audacity to tell me he “could not sanction” my return to ministry without his approval, I boiled. How dare someone tell me they could not “sanction” what I was called to do, as so long ago larkin street said the same, and tried to stop me. My whole being screamed out to yield was to deny the One that has validated me over and over these years, and to deny the One in those that find themselves at my door. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a seventeen year old on the peninsular whose mom died last year. He calls me his “brother”, because I sit with him in the darkness as well as in the light, as his equal not as the “authority”, and as he likes to say “we are two suicidal fuck ups” and so we are, and u know that is all the validation that I need. As I once told a former bishop if u want my “obedience” you have to earn it by walking with me in the shadows as well as the light, as I earned the trust of so many through the years. That trust is earned by admitting ur own vulnerabilities, and ur own humanity, limitations, and being faithful to ur word, even when others are not.

For me this is a time of letting go, of reorienting myself, and of clinging to the One who goes before me into Galilee. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

9-25-06

The Scriptures the past three days speak to me:

Luke 8:1-3: why does Jesus attract these women and men, who are the “nobodies”; what do they see in Jesus? They see in him unconditional love, being loved for who they are. How I yearn for that, how I would like to be loved just for me. I think I have experienced that love only two times in my life—one from my mother, who loved me no matter what, who saw in me “my goodness”; and in the last few months from my friend Peter who says to me”don’t u see how good u are, all that goodness inside of you.” What I see is the darkness, and what I often hear from others is the darkness, or a reflection thereof. And as I walk these streets I find that yearning for unconditional love: 18 year old r, who is so hooked on drugs that his whole life is dominated by it. He shows up at my door for food, and for some place just to be “where I feel loved for me.” Then 24 year old alex who calls me from jail—I met him one time, bought him something to eat, and simply sit and listened==because “you did not judge me.” How we seek that, and how we don’t give it. As Dorothy used to say when people asked her if she was a Christian, “I try”, and frankly that is all I do, is try. I am grieving the loss of two people who have been my two best friends—one is simply moving on, and the other I am not sure, I am too much of a sinner I suppose. I sat down with one the other night to tell him “its ok, I am naming what needs to be named, it is ok to move on, knowing I am here when you want to come back.” He had hurt me severely this week. Several of my “clinical” friends think I have the worst case of co dependence because I did not share my anger etc, but like Anthony de mellow points out scripture is clear that we can not judge until we take the splinter out of our eye. God, I certainly have done my share of hurting, and being insensitve in the relationship—and when all he is doing is telling me I want to move on, how can I dare judge. I hurt like hell, but again like Buddha said when he was enlightened, and some one asked him if he was still depressed (he suffered from depression) “I was depressed before, and I am still depressed.” One just sees the good, accepts the pain, does not let it dominate, and see in it the light that will come. But the pain is there.

Luke 8:4-8: the parable of the sower-for me this parable says that it is easy to hear, but to practice means to experience a lot of pain. I try to live out this word, I try like hell. my whole life has had at its goal to live out that living word, caught up as I am in my own addictions, my own darkness, and I see more and more that is what the path is about—to walk, to fall, to get up again—failure—redemption-=-trusting in that grace.

Mark 9:33-37: children are often revered in our society, in the time of Jesus they were no bodies, and actually if u look at reality in ours they are to. The really have nothing, and Jesus tells us to follow him to is to be like a child with nothing, but with trust in God, with absolute trust to move beyond the need for security, fear of aging, and death to follow him. For me I struggle so much with my own fear of aging, not really having a support system, and the fear of death. Again it becomes a matter of trust.

Luke 8:16-18: people know who we are by our actions. I spend my time listening to people—“blah, blah, blah”, and in the end what I look at is their actions. We can talk all we want to—but it is in the consistence of our actions that we are known.

I spent the afternoon/evening with peter and jc. One nearly 18, the other 17, and in knowing them through the years their consistence in their love towards me, their sensitivity has always spoken louder than there words. 28 year old Charlie sit down with me last night. I have known him since he was 16, he has been on and off the streets, and now he is back. He has been married, and because of a messy divorce had a spin tale back into drugs and the streets. He commented that he knew I would be here when he came back-=-‘no matter what u are always here, and no matter what u listen to me.’ And so for me it is our consistency in what we say we will do that matters. I am discovering more and more that the journey is that of continued redemption—what counts is that we get up and keep on trucking. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!