Saturday, January 07, 2006
Matthew 4:12-17. John has been arrested; jesus has been tested, baptized, and he knows his life has a purpose. the question raised is how has that purpose effected my life?
from the time i was 12, my whole life has been shaped by the trying to follow that purpose, that One life. all i do has been shaped in following the One who moved out of Nazreth. Trying to be a light as he called us to be. I am here in light of that purpose driven life. this christmas brad gave me a calendar with this note, a note i would not have received, if i had not followed the One from Galilee here, a note from a sex worker, drug addict:
A Man that the Lord see blessed for all the good and the selflessness acts of kindness that is his daily life. God blessx from bradly.
the purpose of the life of Jesus has consumed mine, and that note is reward enough.
i am weak today, sick, no food in three days, and i sit here shaking, with my dragons chasing me, sucidal thoughts, horrible fears. jason woke me up at 6 a.m. this morning, very sick, had overdosed and i got him to hospital. stange how i can function in the midst of so much pain, god I hurt, but brad's note makes it all worth it. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Friday, January 06, 2006
I John 5:5-13:
"
A Triple testimony: the Spirit, the Baptism, the Crucifixion--and the three in perfect agreement." (The Message)
I am a fuck up, emotionally, a drama queen and yet i am still called. this verse expresses for me the journey of discipleship. from an early age i have had this compulsion, this drive, to know God, to follow Jesus, the Spirit, i have put everything else aside for this call; my baptism was confimration of that call, and then the path i have chosen in this ministry is one of crucifixion, it is the path of calvary. only in giving our lives away can one find Jesus, that is the call. many years ago now louie vitalie told me when i was under fire: "river when u came here u chose calvary, the calvary of being killed physically, or having ur character assinated, or getting strange disseases, and so it has been." when someone askes why i keep going, why don't i give up, all i know this is the journey i have been asked to follow, and resurrection does not come with out crucifixiion, joy always comes in the morning.
i am emotionally a wreck today. this treatment has sent me into major depression. my dragons are all over me. i think of ways of ending my life, i can't eat, keep food down, i feel totally alone. it is in saying the liturgy of the hours, of praying that i find anh comfort and that momentary, and i have to remind myself i knew the possible consequences of this journey, one of which is illness. god it hurts, but Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God! she is present. Amen.
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January 5: John 1:43-51 "Follow Me"
Nathaniel is very judgmental. he has his own views of Nazareth. How narrow we christians can be. there is a school dean who does not recognize anyone that is not roman clergy; last night at the meal i over heard some new guy asked someone "who is that guy serving the meal?" and he responded: "he is the priest who accepts us fuckups for who we are, not like the other fucking church people who kick us out." people are so narrow,and christians are the worse. i often comment that my best friends are not christians, and they are not, and it is usually because they accept me for me. Jesus challenges us to follow him, to move outside the boudaries that are narrow, that limit, and that is the way i have perceived my calling.
i am in a great deal of pain, i am writing this now, to share, to process, and to look back someday. these treatments have sent me into pure hell, pure hell. i served the meal last night because the people who were supposed to, baked out. i ate and threw up, but even at that, i realized as i sit there that i am very blessed. and that one of the reasons i do this is that because i cannot live in privilege while others can. i cried last night because offerings suck, and we have 400.00 in account, and yet that was feeling sorry for what, all willwork out. it does not matter. what does matter is Jesus, and to serve him. i have a friend who is being ordained and last week i cried on phone with her, and she sent me email saying she did not need drama in her life, well u know it hurts, because i would like to be able to have someone sit with me, and i realize when i get emails like that what people mean when they speak of "special gifts", the gifts of listening and empathy. i hurt so much now, but in the midst is Jesus, only Jesus. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to
God!
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Summary for January 1-4:
1: Luke 2:16-21:n"Mary Treasured All These"
spent new years in sebastopal at sam's with matt and other friends. flooding, and high winds, but a great new year. celebrant at jazz vespers at old first presbyterian.
Scripture: jesus in manger. no matter how we romanticize he was born in poverty, lived in poverty, no easy life.
2: Jn. 1:19-28 " A Voice Crying in the Wilderness"
have been stressed and in physical pain today. money is very low, little coming in, 2/3 down from this time of year.angry over a kid taking forty bucks off my desk. i feel like such a fuck up right now. i look at myself and what do people see: this guy who wears tye dye shirts, or rock concert shirts, shorts, baggy pants. sam who is 17 told me the other night that he is going to enjoy me as long as he can, because he will grow up and move beyond me=-"you are the eternal partier". well what does that say about me, fuck i would not want to be tied down in an office. i am so fucking immature. all i know is trust that God loves me for who i am, and i believe she has used me in all of my fuckupness. John points to the truth, he is a voice crying in the wilderness. i feel that way, i do not fit into the status quo. but is not that what we are called to do?
3. John 1:29-34 "Lamb of God""
spent day at matt's; birthday dinner for garrett. people often think that i am weird, cannot understand my generosity, the way i do hospitality, there must be some catch, i must want something, but for me the way i seek to live my life, my so called "generoisty", "co-dependence", the works of mercy are all a way of pointing to the Lamb of God.
4:John 1: 35-42 "Come and See"
Today i have had another major treatment. i am beginning to go into the very depths of hell, of depression and pain. i have a memorial service tomorrow, and i will make it through it. am doing a retreat with Our Lady of G. and Juan Diego. I understand the darkeness of the indians of that time, their chaos, that is the way i feel now. i hurt like hell right now, and i give God thanks for that suffering, it allows me to be with others. this time i am going to write about the pain rather then keep it to myself. i feel so very alone now, so very alone.
the scripture today is summary of my life: "Come and See". .as along as i can remember i have tried to find Jesus in life, i have heard those words "come and see" and even when i stray i always come back to those words. i have this madness for Jesus, for trying to see what he calls me to, for following him. hearing that call 12 years ago came to polk to "come and see", and in the pain of the moment i am still trying to follow that call. i am broke now, unable to work, in fucking pain, and yet i have no regrets to foolow that voice that challenges me to "come and see." Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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