Wednesday, March 09, 2005
March 9, 2005
John 4:43-54; John 5:1-16
It is 6:00 a.m., only a couple of hours sleep. Spent the past two days in pacifica at ocean, but all my good rest and relaxation is not gone. People running up to me on street, calling, S, 19 needed to “hang”, I, sick, let him rest and so it goes.
Reread William Stringfellow;s EXILES IN A STRANGE LAND.
Scriptures are healings.They are signs of Jesus confronting the culture of death. I am well aware of that presence in my own body, my own fears, and all around me.
People wonder why on my days off I just take off, “why not just stay in ur room etc.” for one thing I have no peace, but the real reason is that I have to leave the City because all around me is the presence of death. In the alleys, the doorways,In the bodies of those I encounter. Staff infections, HIV,.people in pai. The sidewalks are full of death, and I have to get away, just simply out to the ocean, to feel life, to reconnect.
In John 4 we read: THE MAN HAD FAITH IN THE WORD THAT JESUS SPOKE.
For me this is where it is—faith in Jesus, faith in his Word, ultimately that is where the rubber meets the road.
The Good Friday Service, my daily work, all for me are assertions in the presence of the resurrection, of signs of healing.
And so the day begins, I have spiritual direction, press releases to send, and a birthday party for andrew, and so it goes. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, March 06, 2005
March 6 fourth Sunday of ,Lent, Ps. 23. John 9:1-41
Yesterday worked on office work, group from stanford was here, hung out, my usual. I feel better, but tire easy, so now I simply turn everything off and go to bed and rest when I get tired, in otherwords instead of fighting this demon I ride it, I let tame it, and get back up and go again.
"YOU PREPARE A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY FEARS". (Psalm 23—paraphrase of Nan Merrill)
I can identify with Bartimaeus today. Bartimaeus is a journey of facing fears, of riding those demons, of allowing Jesus to prepare a table for him in their presence. He began by overcoming his fear of asking Jesus for help, and moved on to the point of through allying with Jesus being expelled by the religious rulers.
Jesus prepares a table for us in the presence of our fears, and in so doing we ride them, we live with them, they become our friends, they become doors into our inner person and doors to relating to Jesus, and finding completeness. For the last month I have lived with many fears, primarily that of death, and of disability. I live with the fear of aging, and decline. And as I have stopped fighting them, but entering into them, riding these dragons—work with them, while still present they become a means of power of experiencing the presence of Jesus in a must closer sense. In entering into them I am more keenly aware of the fears of the guys, of their constant fears they cover up with so much, and am able to ride their fears with them in a stronger, more passionate and sensitive way.
In eating at the table prepared for us in the midst of our fears—Jesus tames them, and shows us that in riding them, those fears become windows to the power of Almighty God in Jesus in our midst. We grow into a more completing and meaningful relationship with Jesus, ourselves and others. We just need to let go and sit down at the table with Jesus. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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