Thursday, December 16, 2004
December 16, 2004
Luke 7:24-30
When I was a very young preacher a minister friend told me: “To be a minister we have to have hell of a big ego, to stand in the pulpit and say we represent Jesus.” The greatness of John was in his willingness to take second place—to point to Jesus—our greatest failings are that we can not let go of our egos, cannot take second place. We want to be first, we want to be “little gods”. It is only in letting go, in letting Jesus become our center that we truly find life. We must lose our lives before we find it.
Finished the directed retreat today; served meal; have a seminary intern here tonight; 22 year old c mother’s died, missed funeral, so I gathered small group after meal and had a service to try to bring closure. And so this is as polk street turns today. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
December 15, 2004
Have been really tired, directing an individual retreat this week which is draining, plus getting ready for christmas.
Lk. 7:18-23:
“Are you the one? This is the question I asked all the time. One of my new directees wants me “guide him to a faith without doubts.” Well I am the wrong director for that one. And so for this question leads me to place my trust daily in the hands of Jesus, in the midst of the a society with so many competing gods. Only by continuing asking this question can we focus on the work of Jesus in our lives, Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God
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Monday, December 13, 2004
December 13, 2004
Have been at beach all weekend, resting, but I feel absolutely lousy, headache, pain in my mouth, sick to my stomach, weakness.
I often wonder if my own death is near, and my mind has been on death all weekend. There is a sense of aloneness with me, and the fact I really have no one to call in the darkness. People call me, I am always there, but I really don;’t know who I could call.
Just went out on street, oh god, people are all over the place, and I see ten I have known for years, who are now near 30 or over 30 , one has a bad liver, and I keep thinking how can people keep on being self destructive to themselves. Several have chosen this life and have no intention of changing, and therefore their lives are destructive to themselves and others by choice. I wonder why, and know there is nothing I can do accept continue to be a presence.
I have reflected on the scriptures for this weekend a lot, in fact they have been my daily food. Saturday is Mt. 17:10-13 where Jesus strips away all illusions about his fate, “. .the son of man will suffer.” ;I spend my life in the presence of suffering, not only among the poor, but among the rich as well. People suffer terribly. As I left town Friday afternoon I saw S, 20 in the doorway with scabs all over his face refusing to go to the doctor because he needed to make money; and W. 22, who has been kicked out of his hotel for the thousanth time as a result of his anger—the suffering he goes through.
And I acknowledge my suffering. Mikael, a young friend, well not so young he is almost 25 now, once said that he did not like coming down here because he saw me suffer so much. I do suffer. I suffer the M’s of the world who last night screamed at me all sorts of names, and then an hour later when I gave him what he needed said I was a saint. I suffer the rejection of people like at the school recently who judge me sight unseen, and I can go back through the years and trace my suffering. But I have learned that by embracing suffering, seeing it as a part of life, that I grow, and become more present and aware to others.. our suffering is a preparation for our final departure—death.
Sundays scripture was Matt. 11:2-11—once again discussing the return of Jesus. Very futuristic. I know people who live in the future, whose faith is based on the future, and if my life was like theirs I can understand, much like the early spirituals came from the suffering of the slaves whose only hope was in the future beyond death. But the question arises, where is the presence of Jesus today, and I know he is present, but we have to look inward, and to look at the presence of the reign of God in the works of mercy in our midst. By living in the future with our faith we miss the richness of living it out here and now, and living out that reign and hence experiencing the presence of Jesus.
Today the scripture is Matthew 21:23-27: The key in this scripture is identity. Jesus is seeking to get them to acknowedge his identity. By refusing to comment they deny their own heritage, and they deny Jesus. For us it means that we are called each and every day of our lives to affirm that Jesus is a living reality, and to live out that affirmation—to stay on the sidelines denies Jesus, and denies us that life giving presence.
And so tonight in the darkness I lay down with fear, but praying the prayer: “May the all powerful Lord grant us a restful night and a peaceful death.” Deo Gratis! Thanks
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