Thursday, December 02, 2004
DECEMBER 2, 2004
Mt. 7:21, 24-27
Several weeks a go I presented at campus crusade for christ, and my sharing of what a ministry of presence is about, and my belief there are many roads to God brought forth anger and judgment from several. It was felt I did not “preach the gospel of Jesus.”
It is by how we live out the Gospel in our lives by which we are judged. People respond to how that love is transmitted to them.
Today I spent several hours getting 19 year old Step OR from jail because of a minor offense; a couple of hours on the phone with 27 yr old Jay, picked up on a parole violation trying to figure out how to get him out and on the right track; an hour with 20 year old joe who was robbed and beaten up this afternoon. I am going to stay with a young friend tonight, even though I feel like hell, when his parents leave for boston. In all of this the word “Jesus” is probably never uttered, but the gospel is being preached nevertheless. Jesus is present in my actions, and my consistency. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, December 01, 2004
December 1, 2004
Mt. 15:29-37
In our scripture today we hear of the blind, the dumb, the crippled and the lame—God’s ragged family.
Today I spent hours dealing with a young man for whom I am his payee. He is enraged with life, no concept of anyone outside of himself; and then there was my time with 20 year old justus, a young hustler, obsessed with speed and sex—his whole life is consumed by both.
And then there is me—tired, fatigued, struggling with a painful infection, bitchy, irritable—all of us a part of God’s ragged family.
And all of us invited to God’s banquet the Eucharist. Each week when we celebrate the liturgy we have food with it as well, for all becomes God’s banquet.
This is the greatness of our merciful God, the ragged family lover. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
November 30, 2004
2:45 a.m.
Mt. 4:18-22
“Come Follow Me”.
It’s cold, near 40, people are moaning, the boys huddle and bitch, the girls in their short skirts seem to pay no attention to the cold, just to the cars that pass by, indifferent to anything at hand. I take j, 22, and T;, 28 to the coffee shop for donuts and coffee. I listen as they talk of having trouble making money, getting a fix, and of being tired of living. I deal with someone sucidal on the phone. Within my own body are warring factions—the infection versus the anitibiotics, I ache, and am weak and worn out. and the words of the gospel remind me that all of this is about for me are following those words given me to so long ago now, in another world and time, and that continually come to me day in and day out: “Come follow me!”
Even in my own doubts and extreme aloneness this time of night I am reminded of a sign on a church near matt’s in san carlos that says: “If you can’t feed a hundred than feed me.” I may not feed a hundred people but just the one or two in front of me is all I am asked to do. Jesus call to follow me is to show up, and I remind myself of that in this old, worn out body tonight. “Come follow me!” Show up.
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Monday, November 29, 2004
November 29
Isa. 4:2-6
Mt. 8:5-11
THE MESSAGE translates of the captain; “he is a part of the van guard of outsiders” who will come to Jesus. Our passage from Isaiah talks of women on the margins, and our advent scriptures will continually raise the presence of God with people on the margins.
I am on the margins. I am on the margins in the lifestyle of my life, in my relationship with the Church. I find more and more that I could not return to my “old ways”, as comfortable as they were, for this is my calling. It is here that I find life most fulfilling, that I find Jesus.
Today I learned that I have to find another diocese in which to hang my clergy hat. Strangely enough I am calm, at peace knowing it will work out. People asked me why i stay in the priesthood. The answer is simple—it is my calling, my vocation. I have tried to run away from this calling over the years only to meet disaster. I am called as clearly as I know my own name. I am called to priesthood and to ministry on the margins and me not to follow that call with my whole being is the sacrifice the gift, the great gift God has given me. I thank God for this vocation in season and out of season.
I learned today that the staff infection I had months ago is coming back. It is a variety that is difficult. My strength is slowly ebbing, and I am in pain. And so blood cultures are drawn to develop the antibody, but all this takes time, and again all I can do is seek first the kingdom and let all else fall into place. My doctor says this could become life threatening. He made the remark to me “you know river over the years I have wondered why someone with your education, talent, and ability has given ur life and put urself in danger, like u are now, and I decided you were either the biggest fool I know or u actually are called by God. “
So fool or called by God, well I believe I am both a fool and called by God, both of which I thank the One who never seems to let me go. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, November 28, 2004
November 28, 2004
Mt. 24:37-44
Today I have just been plain exhausted. I have no energy to give anyone. The holidays, and the neediness of so many have just drained me. Nothing is never enough. 20 year old D. caught me on street, wanting a shower, a razor, some money. I told him I could give him some food, but he just went off; people want more and more of anything I have to give, including my time. The weather, the tenor of the times, the holidays seem to bring out the neediness, and the ones that come to me are the one’s who have worn out their welcome with everyone else.
I have spent the afternoon and evening reading, watching T.V. and resting totally alone. I gain my energy back in the silence, the aloneness. As I read the liturgy of the hours the psalms permeate my being renewing me again and again.
People often comment that I seem to be alert, always watching, sleeping with one eye open, and after ten years on the streets, in the presence of both societal evil and individual evil I am always awake to what is around me, alert to who is behind me, to who is on the corner, to who is watching me. But in the midst of this “staying awake” I find myself staying awake to Jesus. To Jesus who in 28 year old, D, hepititus c, liver failing, wanting “to be a kid” tells me I have “tough love” because I do not let him get by with his games, or in the 16 year old Brian who has shown me more compassiion and appreciation in a few hours than I have seen in days. Advent is a time of preparation, watching, waiting, but let us never be fooled—even in the midst of death in all of its forms—Jesus is present, we need to stay awake for his coming. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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