Saturday, September 18, 2004
Lk. 8:4-15
being raised along the mississippi delta i know what fertile ground looks like--dark, thick, rich==but all of that comes from much wounding-==from the floods, the rotting debris. fertile soil is a great wound. to me this is a good illustration for our soil being fertile for the word--we have to allow ourselves be vulnerable--to be open to our woundedness, and to the wounds of others. we have to allow our own woundedness to be open in order that we might be sources of healing as we flow into the Great Wound of God who takes in all the wounds of creation.
tonight i glimpse, as i do several times aweek, an old man, who looks like the homeless man in "entertaining angels", movie about dorothy day. he was the one who for her was christ calling her to the poor, to conversion. and for me as i glimpse his bearded face, i think of God is the great Wound-=who holds in her hands this old man's pain of years on the street, and i think of how we are called to do the same. fertile ground is ground that has suffered, and has been wounded in order to bring forth flourishing new life. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Friday, September 17, 2004
September 17
September 16
Lk. 7:36-50 Simon the pharasee invited the great rabbi to dinner, and is shocked when instead of castigating the "sinners" he eats with them, loves them and defends them. what i have found is that those that we cast aside in society is where God is most present and most receptive to God's love. it with those who are outcasts that we often find community as Dorothy Day once said. and so it has been for me these years, in my worst times, i find community in those that others ignor. today i spent the afternoon with three high school sophmores i have known for a while. we went to the haight, and then back to polk to finish meal and we served it and cleaned up and took them home. for most adults they are just "kids", often patronized, but for me there was community. matt was one, he and i have fought, argued, cussed each other, but we both know that when the chips are down we each have the others back. why---because we have been vulnerable to one another, and we have been open, and so with the other two i have come to know over time. what i have found is regardless of age, sex, station in life, is we are simply fragile human beings on the journey, and that is what Jesus knew in our story. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
September 17: Luke 8:1-3
Jesus is a revolutionary. in his time men would wake up and give thanks that they were not women; women were second place. Jesus had women disciples--as much as many groups try to deny ordination to women based on men disciples. by their company he proclaimed to the whole world--women are as equal as any man. and at the end they proved braver than any of the male disciples--they were still at the cross.
for me in many ways what i do in ministry is revolutionary--like it or not-- to live with, to identify with, to love and treat whores, drug abusers as human beings and as equals is not what we do in our society. we may say the words in church, but when it comes down to living those words out it is not done.
we can talk "option for the poor", "ministry to the marginalized" in our canons, statements of faith--and they are clean, white, and santitized--but when the rubber hits the road it is the 19 year old sitting on my couch telling me he has lice, and he hugs me good bye; it is the 20 year old who cusses me under his breath because i tell him know; it is the staff infection that i had for a month; it is dirty, it stinks, and so when it is done it is revolutionary. but that is our call. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, September 15, 2004
September 15: Our Lady of Sorrow, Jn. 19:25-27
Today we remember the women--the three marys who stood with Jesus at the cross. the men had fled, but mary his mother, mary madalene and another remained. they took a risk, and they entered into the sorrow of the cross. they were unafraid to share the sorrows of Jesus. From my Methodist days there is a prayer:
"I am no longer my own, but yours. Put me to what you will, rank me with whom u will; put me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for u or laid aside for u, exalted for u or brought low for u; let me be full, let me be empty; let me have all things, let me have nothing."
This prayer was prayed at the first service of the New Year. This has been my wish through the years to live out this prayer, for in so doing there would be nothing to fear. like the three women once we put all things in God's hands, then no one, nothing can hurt us.
went to see "mean creek" today, about kids who try to play a prank on a bully winds up killing him. reminds me of so many of these guys. talked to 26 year old jordie on phone tonight, he is in prison, he lets his emotions get out of hand and subsequently is in prison.l the world is full of hate and violence, it is only when we return love, can we ever hope to make a difference. but that has been the way of humanity since the dawn of time to kill, to abuse, greed, power, money.
25 year old, vincent was here tonight. has been sleeping on the streets, slept for a couple of hours. hobbles out to find a date to get his drugs. his life is one hugh search for something to fill him, and yet he cannot look within himself.
i have a sense of forboding over the world situation, and i as i walk past people on the streets and watch them deteriorate and realize that the majority of the world lives worse than this, and that is not a result of their choices,i become very, very depressed.
a person i do spiritual direction with wants me to "help him get his faith back," he has no idea how often i doubt, and i get up and take one step each day forward, do the office, the eucharist, and work the muscle of faith.
and so it is Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004
September 13
Luke 7:1-10
this passage brings to mind "faith". The "Captain" has faith that if Jesus commands his servant will be healed. Without even seeing he has faith. for me tonight this passage had special meaning. I was walking down the street, and a nicely dressed man came out of one of the bars, he was obviously drunk. He approached me with the words: "U are River", and i replied in the affirmative. he screamed "u give out death with those needles, without u there would be no drug use on polk." he moved towards mme with a knife, and as i moved back i was very firm with him, and by then some of the guys were around me. that night the antiphon for the office was "night has no terror for those sleeping under God's wings", and for me that trust was all i had to hang on too. i was alone, and no one to call, just me, Jesus. and so the night ended. i always know that violence and death are near, but until it is in my face it is not a reality. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
Today: John 3:13-`7, Exaltation of the Cross
"To be born again" is to recognize the divine in all people around us, even in the darkness, and especially in our own darkness. Jesus through the cross shows us that our darkness can be turned to light. it is important for us to remember that we are made of both the good and the bad, both saint and sinner, and in the cross Jesus brings light to our darkness.
i have spent today working on grant, with the usual suspects coming through for this or that. tonight it is quite, but j, wasup here, and he is a compulsive talker, never shutting up. after awhile the noise drives me crazy; and then the other j is struggling with his hiv diagnosis, not seekingtreatment. i think i am going to a movie. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, September 12, 2004
This past week i have been away going to portland on the oregon coast. i have been alone for the most part intentionally. as i left i was well aware of the pain i felt as i experienced it every day. the constant sight of people who are self-destructive to themselves and a society that is at odds at what to often gets to me. these guys are a part of my life, they have come to mean something to me, and i hurt with them. i have written on the gospel lessons for each day, and so will share my feelings during the week:
Monday, September 6
Luke 6:6-11. There has been an Islamic attack on a school in russia. Religion, spiritiuality instead of being life-giving is used as a weapon, as an excuse for violence, look at our own Old Testament. The Jesus i serve is the One who reaches out in compassion to love our enemies, to love others. but i have also done violence to myself using Jesus as an excuse. By using ministry as an excuse for overwork, i am just as guilty as those who kill, for i am killing myself. this is a time of rest, to respect my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit.,
September 7: Lk. 6:12-19
My trip to Portland is a time for me to get away and pray. Passed a house on 101 in the redwoods--"Just Jesus". For me this is a time of "Just Jesus". Even though i am tempted to let others intrude and push in, this is is simply a time of "just jesus."
September 8: The birth of Mary Mt. 1:18-23
We to are to be "God bearers". Jesus works through us. but to be "God bearers" means to suffer, to suffer with those who suffer, and to receive suffering in return. Day in and day out these past weeks i have felt the nails of peoples pain, their self-destructiveness, their fears, and have received them in the form of hatred and anger. But that is our call, like Mary to be "God bearers", and as Mary found with the joy comes the suffering and only through passing through the suffering is the resurrection.
Thursday, September 9: Lk. 6:27-38
Recently a young man was kicked out of a treatment program because he felt "disrespected" by a staff member. over and over i hear this as a response to violence on the street. when we do not let go of our anger we find violence and hatred. when i do not let go of my anger i do violence to my own body, it tenses, it suffers. ultimately the way we receive people's attitudes are about our own egoes--letting go of our self-centeredness is what Jesus is suggesting and walking with one another.
Friday, September 10, Lk.6: 39-42
This morning as i pulled out of the motel i felt a sense of relief--the sun was shining--and i sensed i am only a small part in creation, just for a moment--all the fears, all the concerns--are in God's hands and my task is simply to rest in Jesus, and to be a God-bearer.
Saturday, September 11: Lk. 6:43-49
For me there is a sense of time being short over all, and it is frightening. on this day of mourninig it is wise to remember that there are no black and white answers. That in the midst of mourning we should remember to call our leaders accountable for their own actions of inhumanity in our names. There is both good and bad in all of us, and we are destructive at times, and so we should seek to bring out the good, and to do so means to treat others with goodness. for out of the darkness comes the light.
Sunday, September 12: Luke 15: 1-32
Last night as i walked the streets everyone was high, all seeking their drugs, and to meet their needs, to cover up their pain. i had just spent time on the phone with a 14 year old from a wealthy family talking about her drug use and how she covers her own emotional pain with drugs. she asked me how i dealt with my pain, and i could respond only through my faith, through finding a foundation in Jesus to which I can hold.
The comfort I have in God is that God accepts me no matter what, in my worst, my best God in Jesus has never rejected me. Because of that acceptance i too must accept others in their worst and their best without judgment. When i lose sight of this i often go into a deep depression. This is what it is to be lost and found.
And so ends a week of rest, and another week begins. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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