Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Mt. 19:16-22
The rich young man comes to Jesus and asks him what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to keep the commandments and the young man says he has. Then Jesus says: "Than give all u have away to the poor, come follow me for then ur treasure will be in heaven."
yesterday i had brunch with a counsin who is an atheist. he has just turned fifty five. his brother died 10 years ago and he started talking about death. "I can accept it emotionally, but logically I cannot imagine what happens when those streams of thought ceases." He is a scientist, everything must have an explanation.
Eternal life is what we seek, we all fear death, think about death. it is that fear that is used to subdue us. i can see my cousins struggle, a struggle to make sense of what he sees as an emptiness that lies before him.
tonight a, 18, cried and cried about his life addicted to heroine, how he wants a normal life. M, 22, psychotic was tellint me that life is: "living outside on Polk Street, with needle sticks in your arm, looking for the next fix." i talk of my j0urney here on Polk as "working out my salvation." all of us seeks the why's of the purpose of our lives and what happens when we leave it. none of us wants to die.
for me, ultimately, to make sense in life, it must be found in giving it all to Jesus, in following him, by emptying myself of my ego, ambitions, and stepping out in trust.
my spiritual director asks me: "Do u trust God!" and even in my moments of depression, doubt, i can only answer yes, i do with all my heart, so that no matter what comes, God is with us. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Monday, August 16, 2004
i have a splitting headache tonight. tension from adults in my life. reflecting on status, titles today, ego, how all of us want to be number one, to be recognized, and i wonder if these ten years have made a difference. status, money all go the way of the world. it ulimately is what we do.
i found my knife, where i had misplaced it. it shows how i will stereotype my guys and not have trust in them. how we stereotype each other. people stereotype me because of my pierecings, punk clothing etc. we all have our espectations of people. why can;'t we just accept each other in our own diverse ways, as reflections of beauty of our gifts.
people have pressed in on me this week. i feel like all the power has gone from me, like Jesus, when he was touched by the woman. i am often asked if what i see and hear effects me--hell yea it does--it wears my soul out, and i have to rejuvenate by resting, praying. burn out comes when we don;t face our own dragons, don;t ride them, thedragons of our own inadequacy, and need to for success with people, rather than just being, and knowing that in just being, that is enough, and in being with others it is the love that will transform, maybe not in ways that we expect but in God''s ways.
What is my ten year plan--it is to empty myelf, to continue to let go, and give myself a way until i have given myselfr away to Jesus in my totality. i am an egotistical, ambitious bastard, and i need to let go, and let God. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, August 15, 2004
it has been along day. cooked a meal at old first presbyterian for homeless as a favor. served 80 or so, but most of the people were men and older men. i thought of how rough they looked, and how much they have struggled through their lives and continue to struggle just to survive. we talk of "success" in getting people off the streets which means a job and a place to live. but success i believe for these individuals would be just guaranteeing them a place to live, health care, and food. there comes a time when people cannot really move beyond where they are because of mental health limitations or other limitations, we try to label, but we cannot label, what is, just is. these guys are Jesus, and he is broken, bruised, and in pain, we need to provide for him.
tonight i had a pocket knife stolen off my futon, under my nose as i was preparing food for this 25 year old. he had not eaten in several days. it pisses me off to know end. i remember a nun who once lived in the slums and she burned out and talked with anger how she did not want to live in a place again where she could not lay something down without it being stolen. tonight i felt anger, and then i reflected on how so little a thing it is, and how in end i have to let it go, just let it go, and like dorothy would remind me that he probably needs it more than i do. and so i end with the prayer: MAY THE ALL POWERFUL LORD GRANT US A RESTFUL NIGHT AND A PEACEFUL DEATH. AMEN. DEO GRATIS1 THANKS BE TO GOD!
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