Monday, June 07, 2004
Gospel
Mt 5:1-12
When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain,
and after he had sat down, his disciples came to him.
He began to teach them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the land.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you
and utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me.
Rejoice and be glad,
for your reward will be great in heaven.
Thus they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
i found out recently that some of writings have been screened for possible "anarchist"/terroist connections--well guys have fun, really--so keep reading. i stand in line with the greats--dorothy day, martin luther king jr., believe me, i am honored.
thats off my chest. the scripture for today resonates with me. today, this morning i am very poor in spirit, very poor. the black dog is at my door again, barking, yeping, wanting to come in, to take me down into the darkness.
d, 28, has a deteriorating liver--from speed use, he continues to use, and tells me quote: "I am 28, no one will give a addict like me aliver, and i am old, so might as well speed out." 18 year old P sits with an abscess talking of people coming on to him out here, not finding any one he can trust, talking of his addictiion to h for four years and his inability to get off of it; one of the johns came onto a volunteer, asking him if he was interested in child pornography and gave him his number if he wanted to "explore." i told the son of a bitch yesterday that if i hear, even hear of him doing that to one of my volunteers or friends he would not only hear but see my violent side--like a fist in the face. never have i been so angry, never. what that sob has no idea is the imprint he left--why can;t these guys see the damage they do, and yet in their eyes all of this is harmless. and then a eighteen year old girl is moving from pot to other drugs. i put my foot down with her, and told her my fears, so she left mad at me. the darkness is around me. it struck me yesterday that in these years i have become an expert of drugs and sex in all of its forms, what an expertise for a priest. there is so much darkness. these three are precious to me, very precious, and i can almost predict the path their lives will take, and there is nothing, nothing i can do about it. i have taken plenty of risks and look where it has got me--to polk street, to being this renegade priest, known for being a rebel. someone recently wrote to me: "you write so beautifully, but when one sees u, ur dress, ur pierceings, it seems such a paradox." "paradox", no, the one flows out of the other. i am who i have become over the years, not dressing up for some part or to fit in. i like to listen to punk music because it expresses my own anger at this society, at this world and all of its destructiveness. a minister onece told me "any adult who likes rock music, has severe psychological problems." well he has spent his life climbing the ladder, struggling with alcohol and sucide, but i do have psychological problems, i hate this society that we live in and its destructiveness to people, so be it.
right now i just want to be loved for me, just me, at my worst and at my best. my spirit is poor, so poor tonight, and i feel like i screw up so much, so much. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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