Friday, April 23, 2004
yesterday i did our weekly meal in hemlock alley alone, served nearly a 100 people, all my volunteers called in at the last minute. as i served food for two hours i would look down through the alley to the street and think how for nearly ten years i have said mass and served food in that alley, to many who are still there, to many who have died, and to those who have gone. there is so much suffering that goes on in that alley, and at the same time there are lines for the movies on the other side, and i doubt if many of those people notice. one guy drove up in a nice car last night and asked me what was going on and when i told him about needle exchange and serving food, he asked more questions, not knowing much. at the same time i was reflecting on the pain i noticed the clear blue cali sky, there is no place on this earth then cali for blue skys, especially in them middle of Joshua Tree or Death Valley, and i thought of how God much wonder what a mess she created with us human beings.
D, 25, shared with me that she had a miscarriage, and how she wanted a child badly, not thinking of the implications for the child being born from a mother addicted and homeless. she so much wants to be loved, and so the baby for her is someone to love and to love her back. she seeks for love in sex with one guy after another who usually abuses her. so i listened.
then 19 year old M spent hours with me last night, high on speed, just talking on and on, mostly wanting not to be alone.
what is sad is that the pain and suffering i see is small compared to third world countries. and that two thirds of the world live in abject poverty. i have had people tell me they never do anything because it seems overwhelming. well when u just take one little step at a time, it is not, and it is many of us taking one step at a time that can truly be God's presence in the world.
Deo Gratis!Thanks be to God!
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Thursday, April 22, 2004
Today i got back from central cali, visiting and uncle and a former priest sex offender at atascadero. i have been depressed very much since the visit. Even though it was difficult i felt compassion and could be present, which took all of my energy. i slept for hours afterward. A minister friend whom i talked to commented to me about having compassion: "what about the victims." I have always believed that God's presence is with those who hurt, and those in need of his grace the most. this man himself was physically abused as a boy, sexually abused in college, and seminary, the victim who became the victimizer. I gave him communiona and annointed him for healing--we talked of God's grace and forgiveness. I forced myself to make this visit to this broken, cynical man--who has made his own life hell on earth.
I am reminded that one of the crosses i often face is false accusation, and its possible consequences, and my dragon of running away raises its head. for me these years it comes down to ultimately trusting in God. and the same trust I have in God reminds me i am called to be pastor to both the victim and victimizer. God is a grace giving God to all. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, April 18, 2004
Today our reading is John 20:1-9--the passage in which Jesus shows his wounds to the disciples. In reflecting I thought of how that to minister one must show ones wounds and be wounded. Two days ago when I had some things stolen by one of the guys I am fond of, it wounded me, i felt violated. Like he has been all of his life I could completely reject him, but I will be very firm, and share with him this woundedness, and go on. And so it is with all the wounds I receive--rumors--such as the latest, laughable one by one of the "johns" telling people that I am a serial killer, because he sees me with people all the time whom he never sees again. But the other rumors like that I sleep with everyone, use dope, etc. are all very painful, very painful, and through the years they have wounded me. My wounds of my own past of being a sexworker etc. My choice is to let these wounds scab over and to let them get scratched and fester or to let them heal, and bear them in the healing, knowing that all of the wounds and imperfections are a means of ministry with others, of entering into lives and bearing witness to the grace of Jesus of Nazareth who has been, and is, and will be with me in all of the wounding, and who helps me to "follow him into Galilee." Only in our woundedness, in the bearing of our own wounds can we be of healling and a presence to others in their woundedness. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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