Saturday, April 17, 2004
people are just desperate for money. police are out, no johns no money, so they are aggressive with pan handling and some of the guys just beg me to the point i have to tell them to not ask me for money and walk away.
S, whom i have known for a couple of years, was here tweeking, and while my back was turned took my leather bracelet and a shirt out of the laundry. caught him with shirt, said it was accident etc. it is not either shirft or bracelet, it is the violation and the break of trust. in the last few months i have had to watch anyone who is around me or in the car, they are lying more and stealing more, and in their world that is the way to survive. they steal each others dope, blankets. so S will not be allowed up here. and he will learn i may care, but to violate my boundaries, to violate me personally by stealing is never justified and the consequences are lack of trust.
these guys have such a warped since of relationships are. it is all based around their physical needs, and until they move beyond themselves to see their affects on others they will never have a decent life. R, 26 is in jail, going back to prison for assault. it is never his fault, always some one esles and he is always justified in hitting someone and it is always the drugs fault. he will spend his life in prison, without relationships, without really being cared for because he cannot see how he violates others. he is an infant in an adult's body.
so why do i put up with it, why do i continue to be stolen from, cussed at, rumored about, always struggling for money to serve them--because each one is the image of Christ and in recognizing that image, hopefully the Christ in them will show forth. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Monday, April 12, 2004
last night late at grubstake cafe i overheard a group of gay men bemoaning not having "permanent relationships". matt asked me last week if i ever wanted to get married. in our culture if u are not married or have a partner u tend to be seen as wiered or even worst. for me my one passion has always been Jesus, and i refer to him as the Divine Lover almost all the time. since i can remember this has been the most passionate relationship in my life. i was told by a therapist once that it must be easy to have Jesus, because he does not talk about. let me tell u, he is the most demanding of partners--who in the hell would asked u to put up with people who are dirty, demanding, always in ur face, always needy, never to be trusted, who would asked u to live in a simple room and at times barely have enough to get by, and who would asked u to put ur life in danger, well he does, and let me tell u with him there is never a boring moment. over the years we have fought, and still fight, but i am always taken back, and i know that i am loved, and that in following these demands, i have had more fulfillment than any human being can imagine. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, April 11, 2004
Christ is risen! and so he is, and it is that resurrection that gives a reason for living and hoping. i have found over the years that people who work in the trenches do not last long without a faith to ground them, because there is no hope otherwise.
we had a great stations of the cross. my buddy matt was here for a couple of days, on break from sacred heart and helped me with the grunt work, then he and i had fun.
last night as i moved from one person to another i felt alone, and as i spent several hours with 19 year old D, who has not had sleep in days. as i thougt about it it struck me that i am alone, these guys are all high, it takes all my energy to be on my toes. my fourteen year old buddy matt seems far more mature than they do and is. but all my energy goes into staying with them where they are. i understand now why interns come and go, it is hard work, hard work to always be on ur toes. i had a sweatshirt stolen, always on my toes, hard work loving people who are like infants--want to be the center of attention, their whole world is themselves. and so there are days i go without really seeing anyone not high, and i wonder why, andpeople aske me the same, why do u do it. Easter is the answer! Easter affirms that we are unique creatures, created in the image of God, and that God will go to farthest link to bring us into communion, so why--each one is the image of the risen Christ--broken, but still the Christ.! Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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