Wednesday, April 07, 2004
People often asked me if i get lonely, what they mean do u feel alone? the truth is that i do feel lonely at times, but never alone. lonely because this is my road to calvary, one chosen by me nearly ten years ago, or even before that when i chose ministry. and so on this wednesday of holy week i am writing of my stations of the cross.
1. JESUS IS CONDEMNED.
Ten years ago i began the acceptance of my own condemnation to the cross. i came here to do this ministry with street kids and in so doing i began a walk to calvary, one that when i was in seminary i never would have imagined. In Pilate there is my other self, the one who wishes for a normal life, a life of acceptance in our society, and yet i am driven to bow to the road of the one who beats a different drummer. for the struggle i have is to choose the way of the predominant culture or the way of the Gospel of simplicity and challlenge the mores of society--and i continually choose the latter and therefore condemnatiion to the cross.
2. JESUS TAKES HIS CROSS
The day i walked on polk street i took up the cross unknowingly. a taking up that was, is, and always will be a running struggle between God and I. that cross is the threat of physical death, but even far more painful--rejection, being misunderstood, and that of putting myself of being ruined professionally. i live in a world of adolescense, of drugs, of prostitution. i talk their language, their dress is my dress, their music is my music. i am as comfortable at a 16 year olds party as i am at a 60 year olds. i long board. and in this age when priests are suspect i am a target, a very large target. and so this is the cross to which i have been offered and slowly, but ever so surely i accept.
3. JESUS FALLS
my heroes in the Bible are Peter, David, Paul--all fuck ups, all who commit the worse crimes and yet are forgiven by Jesus and move on. jesus fell in his weakness under the burden of the cross, but he got up and continued the journey. through my own failings i fall over and over, well aware of my imperfections, how difficult my personality is, my failings--and yet being faithful is to get up in Christ's forgiveness and move on with one's eye on the prize ahead. and so i do, not often willingly, but i do trusting in the mercy of God.
4. JESUS MEETS HIS MOTHER
my mother accepted me in all my imperfections, and she watched me suffer as i chose the call to ministry. when she died there has always been other mothers who have watched me suffer, and who suffer with me, for i do suffer very painfully at times. mikael, my 20 year old friend, it seems now forever but for four years, in his own struggles commented one time: "I see u suffer so much for those kids and for your God--it is hard for me to watch." and i have covered it up at times, but i must let them watch that suffering, as i enter into their sufferings. i am not afraid to be with someone in pain, in death, in their failings because i live with my own, and enter into them, so that i might enter into the sufferings of others.
5. SIMON HELPS JESUS
throughout my ministry there have been my simons--keenan,mary, mikael,charlie, josh, laura, david--sometimes i feel forced into helping me, but always there. and when i reach out in ministry to others,when i don;t want to, but still bandage the wound, give food, time, energy, i too am simon for Jesus.
6.VERONICA HELPS JESUS
at times my face is bloody too. a reporter once commented to me as he finished asking me questions: "These kids, your friends, can call u at three in the morning to talk, but who do u call." and he was right--there is no one that i would call at three in the morning to share my fears with, my depression, my loneliness, while i am here for these kids and my friends if need be. and so Jesus wipes my face, and there are times others come along to wipe it as well. and in those hours when it is just me and Jesus i am reminded that the call of the Christian is to be the Veronica to wipe the bloody face of Jesus on the playgrounds, on Polk Street, in the schools, the slums, the jails, the hospitals.
7. JESUS FALLS AGAIN
Jesus was tired, he saw futility in his ministry, he felt he could not go on. but he trusted and went on. and so for me there are times i wonder have i thrown my life away? is there something wrong with me that i am so different from other people? who really gives a fuck? what am i doing here--me with a doctorate, two masters and a BA throwing away my best earning years? but then Jesus in one form or another comes to me and i know i must persevere, that i must continue on. and that in him i can do anything asked of me. my stubbornness, my fanacism is a sign of my perseverance and trust in Jesus at all costs.
8. JESUS CONSOLES THE WOMEN
there are times when i hear the rumors and stories that are circulated about me, when i am called names, or threatened physically, that i want to lash out, and yet as Jesus reminds me that as he consoled the women we too are to see in those who claim to be our enemies that they are to our friends and must be console. my prayer is Lord make me kind like you.
9. THE THIRD FALL
Completely exhausted, drained of strength Jesus collapsed, but his will was his, and he got up and went on.
there are times i am so exhausted, so tired of the struggle, when i feel overcome by my own failings, my own inadequacies. but my will is mine, and no one can take it away and so i get up. for the greatest sin of all is that of judas--despair, and so i will myself even in the deepest darkness to trust in Jesus, to move on, to begin anew.
10. JESUS IS STRIPPED.
Jesus is slowly stripped--of his material possessions, of his reputation, and finally his life.
as i look around my room i see icons--both of the saints i admire, and the pictures of the kids through whom i encounter the Christ. i see my long board, my punk posters--a room half adult, half kid--with little compared to my friends. i left a nice apartment on the Mississipi River to take this room, as a beginning of simplicity, and i have found that ultimately money, prestige, power, are all in vain, for we lose them in death. all things that i have craved for. and yet ultimately all that counts is Jesus, and him alone. and so this journey is one of being stripped, so that ultimately in my poor spirit i can be rich in Jesus.
11. JESUS IS CRUCIFIED
Today we sanitize the cross, its gold,silver, in many ways itis a cultural icon. but when i saw the Passion of Christ i was confronted with the the cruelty of crucifixion--i saw the stabbing of flesh, the agony that explodes as one is stretched on the cross. and i thought--the cross is hell.
we are called to the cross, and the cross that i take is that of identification with those i serve--the prostitutes, the thieves, the drug users. all old before their time. i have had hurled at me the same accusations and threats--every rumor of every kind that goes with them has been hurled at me; my life has been threatened and attempts made, i am misunderstood, and hated, i am looked down upon by traditional society. i walk with them and as i do i to often bear their stigma. and the pain, the screeching pain that it brings, and the fears, and the loneliness--but this is my cross and if Jesus can suffer such excruciating pain, so can i accept what is easy. "To every cross i touch my lips. o blessed corss that lets me be--with you--a co-redeemer of humanity."
12 JESUS DIES
for Jesus the cross became a pulpit--"Forgive them. . .I thirst. .it is complete. .but he finally has borne enough, emptys his humanity and dies.
these days i have thought a lot about death in its many forms--becoming unable to take care of myself, aging, and physical death--and i know that not by a single instant can i lengthen my life, and so i struggle to offer my death to Jesus for my own sins but more importantly for those i love and serve with a passion that sometimes tears me a part. How many times has one asked me: "River will i go to hell" and how many times have i cried in anger when some of my brothers and sisters in the Lord tell them they are going to hell if they do not accept Jesus, a Jesus of judgment not love--i just say bull shit for i would never serve a Jesus like that. how many times have i seen them suffer the injustice of the system--and so Jesus I offer u my death, my life for them in the struggle to improve their lives, and in their struggle for redemption. i offer u my life for them. for God we know not what we do!
13. JESUS IS TAKEN DOWN
The sacrifice is done. Jesus dies. his mother and disciples mourn. but their grief is the price of souls.
and so Jesus help me to accept the partings that have come and must come--the friends past, and the friends present who die, the pain and deaths of those i serve, the loss of the people i love who leave my life, and ultimately my own death. Grant us all eternal joy!
14. JESUS IS BURIED.
and so ends the mortal life of Jesus, but for us another life begins as it did for mary and the disciples--we are called to live out his life on earth--to be there in the streets, in the courts, in the hospices. In the words of clarence enzler:
"The teachings you could not impart,
the sufferings you could not bear,
the works of love you could not do
in your short life on earth,
let me impart and bear,
and do
through you.
but i am nothing Lord help me!"
CONCLUSION
And so this Holy Week i more and more understand what Jesus meant when he said: To find life you must give ur life up. Slowly, but surely i expect little from people, and see that in giving for the sake of giving, rather than for that reward of thanks one does finds one life, for in that giving one encounters the Christ.
People often asked me if i am happy. happy is a state of mind, but so i prefer another question: Are u having fun and my answer is hell yes, i have fun the worst of times as well as the best for fun is finding fulfillment, joy, and contentmen in what one does. and i have never been more content.
and so now i heed the words that hear repeatedly within myself: GO NOW! TAKE UP YOUR CROSS AND COMPLETE YOUR WAY.
it is nearly 6 a.m., the sun will rise soon, my day begins in a few hours--today i must visit the hospital and a treatment center, prepare for the services ahead, and take the day as it comes, one step at a time. for now as i celebrate the Eucharist i am reminded that only in giving my life away will i find it and follow the One who has lived it out to its fullness.
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