Saturday, January 24, 2004
it is 4 p.m., i just got up. last night wore me both physically and emotionally. 28 year old King David is in hospital because of hep c, says he will quit speed, knows if not he will die. his whole life before him and yet cut short. called to hospital at 10 because k wanted to leave, trying to get him to stay was to no avail. he cried and talked about wanting to die, and so he wants to continully not do his insulin. he is like a new born baby crying and screaming in anger when he comes to find out that life is not fair and that life is painful and difficult, he cannot accept his disease. in that pain i saw Jesus crucified and i felt that crucifixion within me as i suffered with him. he got mad at one point and said: "our friendship is over", and i laughed and said "u push ur family and everyone else out of ur life, but i am here to stay." minutes later he was asking "what am i going to do when u are gone next week if i need someone?" so much pain. in the he left in his hospital gown with a friend to go back to the hotel to get high again and continue the cycle which will end in death and disability. all one can do is be faithful to the presence. Frances De Sales that "real love is to love without measure." that is what we are called to do, but so many are afraid to do so. people wonder why i get so tired and worn out--my whole soul, body, emotionally and physically are drained day in day out as i give my energy and as i hold the anger and fears for others. painful, yet the most rewarding of all ventures. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Friday, January 23, 2004
long day, had to go to hospital twice to help calm k down. he cannot seem to cope with his illness, and the reality is he is going to continual this slow suicide; bowtie and i talked for a long time tonight, comes from a wealthy family, has been on streets, sees himself as a traveler. the fact is we have so many travelers that the best laid plans of mice and politicians will not solved the homeless problem. bowtie loves just using drugs and not being tied down with responsibility. i understand traveling, my traveling is just as homeless because my journey is one towards God and it is a lonely journey at time. tonight i realize i had not been around anyone sober in days. in talking with bowtie about lonliness we talked that how as we grow older we uiltimately see loneliness as just apart of life and that we will die alone and make that journey alone accept for God.
And so this traveler calls it a night. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
another warm and sunny day in cali. but it has been an intense crazy day. k was taken to hospital, his brother want speak to him, and so i am working with his mother, but my guess is he will continue the same cycle. i am beginning to think he is crying to commit suicide by going in and out of his diabetic coma. people were in and out, just very intense today. i am still fighting this virus and find myself just wearing down. and so it goes, life is good. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
i have spent day resting, my day off, sleeping, and watching movies. the virus is still with me and i am taking antibiotics. today was a lovely sunny, cali day, paradise, or the closest we get to it. last night people were getting on my nerves. they were wild, yelling, would surround me pulling here and there wanting something. many were psychotic. spent two hours dealing with k and his brother. k has been on drug run for week, looks like hell, wants to go home and "get out of this", and yet the addiction or as he says "those urges and cravings" pull him back. his brother is worn out and givingup, and he calls me. k call me for a friend etc. all these guys tend to behave as they behave with their families seeing themselves basically as "little gods" that the world revolves around, hence the burn out with families. people ask me why i do what i do. for one i find it challenging, for another these guys are God's children, they have the image of Jesus within them and deserve to be treated as such, even though they drive one mad. Deoi Grtis! Thanks be to God!
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Monday, January 19, 2004
The past few days i have been sleeping so much, the flu came back, and i sleep and then it seems there is always a crisis. k is using speed, sick, and i have been called to help him; d is in hospital with hepatitus c. i hear over and over again how drugs help "me live". as i have laid sick i have thought how easy it would be to use a substanceto pass away life, to not deal with the fears of death, sickness, old age, and the every day struggle to survive. scott peck said life is difficult,and it is heller difficult, just day by day. but life also for me would be boring if it was lived in oblivion. i find that in Jesus, one sees how he faced life and death, and that is in that living out life and dying that one finds the resurrection. these past some nine years have been some of the most difficult of my life, just to survive, but they have been the best years, the most joyous, and i have lived an extraordinary life--which would not have been if i lived a status quo life. so thanks be to God! Deo Gratis!
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