Wednesday, January 14, 2004
the past two days i have slept from 1 a.m. to 4 p.m., just have been exhausted. advent and the stress of the past days have caught up with me.
there seems to be this desperation, and neediness, and god people are using drugs like crazy. it is draining when you have to sit with some one so high that he is babbling. k is back using, and called tonight wanted me to pick him up three blocks away because he did not know where he is. 18 year old b is babbling all the time. more and more i hear i need it to get through the day, to deal with the pain and so on. and that is the way we are as human beings, we seek to avoid suffering any way we can,but as Job found out, that is the way it is, one cannot avoid suffering and it is only by embracing it that one grows and becomes more human. we can run all we wan to--but we lose all in the end. in my own depression and struggle lately with fear of death i have found as i enter into it, i find the presence of God, and i know that Jesus walks with me, and that the only meaning in life is found in relationship with Jesus, and that relationship is for me in serving the least of these, my fuck ups out here, that i love passionately. I have always struggled largely because of societal pressure that i have never been in love with any one, passionately crazy in love, accept with Jesus, and i have come to understand my gift is my passion and love for many, and for those that are not love, and it is a great gift. and for that i am thankful. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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the past two days i have slept from 1 a.m. to 4 p.m., just have been exhausted. advent and the stress of the past days have caught up with me.
there seems to be this desperation, and neediness, and god people are using drugs like crazy. it is draining when you have to sit with some one so high that he is babbling. k is back using, and called tonight wanted me to pick him up three blocks away because he did not know where he is. 18 year old b is babbling all the time. more and more i hear i need it to get through the day, to deal with the pain and so on. and that is the way we are as human beings, we seek to avoid suffering any way we can,but as Job found out, that is the way it is, one cannot avoid suffering and it is only by embracing it that one grows and becomes more human. we can run all we wan to--but we lose all in the end. in my own depression and struggle lately with fear of death i have found as i enter into it, i find the presence of God, and i know that Jesus walks with me, and that the only meaning in life is found in relationship with Jesus, and that relationship is for me in serving the least of these, my fuck ups out here, that i love passionately. I have always struggled largely because of societal pressure that i have never been in love with any one, passionately crazy in love, accept with Jesus, and i have come to understand my gift is my passion and love for many, and for those that are not love, and it is a great gift. and for that i am thankful. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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