Saturday, December 06, 2003
the past two days, have been long. people wonder what i do, i often reply just hanging out, but what does that entail. it means spending several hours with a new 18 year old who has no idea of sex education and talking to him how how to be safe; it means going to the hospital to visit the bear who is there for blood cots from diabetes and will probably die if he keeps this life style up. it means him calling me when he is bored or wants to talk and listening. hanging out means being with 19 year old j, when he found outhis mother was killed several months ago, sitting with him in his grief; it also means hearing some stranger pass by and say "u bitch", sense anger, and hatred, just out of the clear blue sky, feeling suddenly alone, vulnerable. and it means being in the midst of people desperate from the rain, needy because of the season and the mood in the City. and so that is what i do on any given day, just hang out. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
*****************------------------------*****************
Friday, December 05, 2003
yesterday i noted in my calendar that the black dog was my companion again, and so he is. in thinking about my buddy the black dog, ie depression i think of my pet irritation that of people who tell me "be happy" or will ask me "u should be happy all the time." inotherwords be bubbly and cheery, well that is not life. what is happiness--is it a constant high, a constant feel good. each day, each night of my life i hang with people whose lives are dedicated to "feeling good", and that feeling good is through drugs. we live in a society that is feel good, and on tv the latest anti-depressant ie wellbutin xl provides us with eternal happiness--my question is where is the convertible and the beautiful girl to go with it as advertised int he commercial. when one looks at what happiness is--it is fulfillment, and i am totally and fully fulfilled. my life is fulfilling and meaningful and i have found my buddy the black dog to be a blessing, because he keeps me dependent on God. at my lowest times, it is only God in Jesus that I have, and it is in that dependence that i move back into the sunlight.
i spent an hour on the phone with the mother of a 20 year old who was recently murdered. she wanted me to tell her everything i knew. she was trying to piece together his life. she had her own fantasy that he created of how he lead his life here, and i basically let her keep that fantasy. now was not the time for her to see the reality of the life he lived, and there may never be a time. it was a sad time for me tonight, to feel the pain and to know my own pain and to remember C and how his addiction was his self-destruction. and in these moments all i can do is hold the resurrection for her, for him, and for myself. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
*****************------------------------*****************
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
last night was rainy. people were trying to take cover. there was a new kid, 17 on the block, and was coming on to people everywhere. could not figure me out because i would not respond in the way he wanted. at 4 a.m. i noticed several kids in donut shop with coffee watching t.v ., the only place to get out of weather. as we enter advent i am reminded how christ comes to us in each person we meet. even in death who is off the limb when he is high on speed, i find jesus. today i have slept late, and read, and will go to work again at midnight when day off is over, and it begins again, i go to meet jesus. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God.
*****************------------------------*****************
Monday, December 01, 2003
spent friday and saturday down at the beach, just me and jesus on retreat. it was great, just the ocean and me, no people, reading, praying. advent began yesterday and the readings all deal with the coming of christ in one form or another. the xmas lights are up, people are rushing to the stores. we hear the words, but do not connect that jesus comes to us each and every day. he was here last night when two guys, both 18, were high onb speed sitting on the floor, could not sit still, going through their belongs. they drove me up the wall, but that is beside the point. today 20 year old, i was here, and i gave him some hot soup, and we talked for a while, jesus came today. he came in laura when we went to the movie today. jesus is here and now if we but look for him. and that is the blessing of it all. Deo Gratis!Thanks be to God!
*****************------------------------*****************
|