Friday, November 21, 2003
thursday was a good day with a great meal, but i got sick late, very sick throwing up, and only in the last few hours have i begun to feel better. one of the suggestions for my bible study on job today was to write my own spiritual history,and see how my life is like job's. and so briefly i look back to a childhood and adolescense of safety, going to college, to seminary and beginning my clergy career. but as that career progressed i was not content, it seemed i was on the corporate ladder and then i questioned my sexulaity and was asked to leave, i lost everything, job, prestige, friends. i found my self as a whore, and ultimately myfaith brought me back, and this ministry is where i have come. i think for me i have never blamed God for mymistakes, i know that God is with me in and out of season, and i am content with that.
it is very cold tonight, people are just miserable and bitchy. money is scarce for them, and drugs are their only solace. there is a tenseness on the streets, and people are not easy to deal with. bball commented to me his job was to get high, and that is all he does is focuses on staying high, in order to avoid life.. popbye's girlfriend is in jail and he is drunk, knowing full well he was told he would not live to be 25 if he continued to drink. and so it goes. i sometimes wonder if i am really a failure and yet i think just staying put, being a presence is success enough. the black dog is still with me, up and down we travel together, and i enter in to it, and work through my depression, Deo Gratis!Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003
tuesday has been a restful day. i have talked to one person on phone. slept most of day and evening with a video and t.v. inbetween. the solitude prior to a busy weekend is always the best preparation i can have. as we enter the holiday season people are getting more and more depressed. loneliness is reinforced, and then the holidays themselves are very lonely here. that is why i spend my holidays on Polk, to be available, to be that "family", to provide a welcoming place. i have had people look with sorrow when i tell them i have not been invited anywhere for thanksgiving, but the reality is my family is here. it is the justins of the world, who yesterday made a lot of money and took me out to eat. it is the dans of the world who at 19 does not know how to live on his own, or how to make money on his own, these are my family and it is with them i belong on the holidays. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Monday, November 17, 2003
i am tired. i am shutting down for night and day off tomorrow. people are so fucked up on drugs tonight. a reflection of their desperation and the anxiety with the City and impending cuts, and lack of money from dates. jimon is upset because his girlfriend has gone to jail, and he is drunk, and the last night he drank he got alocohol poisoning and almost died, and the doctor told him he would not make it to 30 if he kept on drinking. one woman was out their with her two girls, 11, 9, asking for needles, leaving them outside of bar as she goes in. drunks are coming out of bars, just a mess. and so it goes, people trying to find a center in those empty cisterms isaiah taliks about when the center must be found from within and from the One that is the Center of all. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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saturday night, 19 year deepo hung out to almost 5 a.m., he was high on speed and we talked, watched a movie and he drew. today i spent time with 18 year old cj, and 26 tear old jonas. both were just flying high on h and a mixture of drugs. both talked of how we all deal with "pain of life" in one way or another and this is their way. they prefer to be "fucked up" all the time. the gospel today is Bartimeus, the blind beggar, who asks jesus for his sight. he receives it. my prayer is that for people to ask jesus for their sight to see him present in the poorest of the poor and to empty out their lives in serving him. i was thinking today about how on thursday night we have to limit servings to be people in order to have enough. for me this is symbolic is that in order for all us to have enough to share we have to live in moderation. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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