Saturday, November 15, 2003
once again these have been two hard days. winston churchhill called depression the "black dog", and the black dog and i have been friends these days. last night an older guy out of his mind got in the building and knock on my door threatening me, saying terrible things, andlater apologized, come to find out one of the johns was manipulating him, he said: "you know my mind, it is so fucked up, i don;t know what to think,." later he wanted to lick my face for he thought i was black and hiding under make up, he wanted me to come out as black. i have often thought sometime i will be hurt or killed by someone like this, some crazy. the depression has started as the weather has gotten rainier and with the murder. last night emphasized a sense of loneliness that goes along with all this and all the vulnerability. it is at times like this that i stick to the liturgy of the hours, the psalms and prayers center me in and reminds me of the One who is present in season and out of season. Deo Gratis! Amen.!
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Thursday, November 13, 2003
today has been hell day. one of my interns quit saying i was difficult, unstructured, and basically an asshole, but i suppose it is all true. i am all those things. but it still hurts, when i try to work with someone and i fail at it.
ko who is 18, just out of the hospital called to talk, he has diabetes and is skinny as a rail and is high again, dano,20 wants me to be his counselor for probation etc. Deeth became so angry with me because i did not have an extra blanket available so i just gave her mine. constant tension, constant conflict it seems.
the reading for today is from luke: "The Kingdom of God is among you."
Today i received two letters from kids i have known for a number of years. one of them shares how my witness on the street brought him to Jesus, how that he saw the church as more than just the bureacratic mess it is. the other is from one of i have known for 9 years, he is in prison, wants to reconnect and tells me how much my friendship means to him and how i have been the one person in his life that is always there. for me that is the kingdom of God among us.
for me to have my volunteers and the kids from sacred heart here is having the kingdom of God among us.
Jesus is present in the good and the bad. Deo Gratis!Thanks be to God!
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Monday, November 10, 2003
Our reading today says that if we have faith as large as a small mustard seed we can do anything. that is all i have sometimes is faith, and i have to work it hard as hell to keep it tough and workable, 18 year old merlin was here wanting to talk, and then discovered he lost his dope bag and just threw a fit, and i had to get him out, he is so fucked up on drugs, 21 year old b is still itching and paranoid, delusional. it takes faith to keep going, to trust that in all of this shit there is God, and that what we do is a really God's work and somehow or another plants a seed that will grow. it takes faith to believe that beyond all of this there is the resurrection and that good will come out of this suffering, it takes faith to see life as worth living when all around is man;s inhumanity to his fellow man. i find as i get older, that ultimately all if have is faith--all other fades away--=it is either faith or nothing, and for me faith is what holds everything together, and each day as i experience the suffering, the pain, people;s in humanity that is all we have to hold to. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Sunday, November 09, 2003
i think as i reflect on all this i am reminded how sometimes ouor calling is to be a container for peoples anger, for their fears, like Jesus has done for us. As their containers we hold that that is fearful to them, and then allow them to come back to it later. Jesus did that in his death and resurrection--he held the our basic inhumanity to humanity in his person--in order that in our journeys we to might take it back and integrate and find redemption. We are called to follow in the Master's footsteps. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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last night and tonight i am doing a couple rounds and staying to myself, there is this sense of loneliness, grief. people on the street tonight are just out of it. b, 20 is picking imaginary lice off his clothes, high on heron, m, 20 is angry, babbling, d, is paranoid everyone is after her, and so it goes had a clergy meeting today i presided at the Eucharist, as always the Eucharist centers me in, brings me to knowing that is in the crucified and risen Christ is the hope. life is so fragile, just so fragile.
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