Saturday, November 08, 2003
i have felt an overwhelming sense of sadness today. life is so fragile, and so short. tried to talk to several people who hung out with cross, but they did not remember him, in their drug haze. w, 20, ran into me on the street, wanted something to drink, became angry with me when i did not understand what he was talking about, had been on a speed run for several days. drugs make one the center of their own world, drugs are gods in themselves and all things are subservient to them. tonight life goes on with people buying, selling, using drugs and trying to get dates on Polk. But we take life for granted and it is short, so very short. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Friday, November 07, 2003
i found out tonight that 22 year old Cross was murdered. he had in his pocket the bus ticket i bought him to go home. when he came to me and begged for the ticket he said, "no one has ever cared for me enough to buy ticket or anything." i was hesitant because i am so broke, but something told me to, and i am glad i did. at least he knew that there was someone who cared, just for him. i am simply grief stricken. i have known him for as long as i can remember, i have fed him, took care of him, fought with him. i still don;t feel like i did enough. i look on all the guys now with a new appreciation of the fragility of life. i do not know what is beyond this life, i hope in the resurrection and for crosses sake i hold that hope, for life here for him was hell. i feel so fucking sad and alone tonight. volunteers and interns come and go a few hours at a time. to them this is a time of helping, and it is what it is a time out of their everyday lives that has nothing to do with this world. for me this is my life, i live and sleep here in the midst of these guys. i see their pain, i take care of their abscesses, i see them do some of the most evil things, and yet i also see the good, and i have come to love them with a passion, for in them i see the incarnated Jesus. there is a loneliness here for me, it is living here, experiencing this, and being who i am, which to many is a outsider, renegade priest, and it is lonely. i know that this is my walk to calvary. jesus did it for 18 months, why must he ask of us to do it all of our lives, but it is a walk i have no choice in walking, no choice if i want to live life to its fullness. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Thursday, November 06, 2003
last night i met with a woman who has given socks in the past, and then spent most of evening doing outreach and then hanging out with 20 year old kennicke, who is from denver, has been using h for several months. we talked alot about how he feels used as a prostituted and how he has to put on a show of feeling for people when really hating them. 19 year old, joeel was by to say he had written letters to parents, had positive response, wanted to give me his cell phone number. the rains have started, the one way of knowing we are having winter here. the demands for socks and blankets increase now, and i have little of each. the gospel to day continues in luke with jesus bringing the "sinners" into the realm of God, it seems that the good people are just to busy to have time for God. and that is the way it is, we get so busy with our lives that we don't have time for relationships and for our own spirituality. i picked up a nun friend at the hosptial yesterday, she has tons of "friends" but they were just to busy to help her out. busyness is the devils workshop in our society--it destroys all that is really important. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, November 05, 2003
tonight is a summary of the last several days. halloween night here was as crazy as ever. i believe halloween like mardi gra are celebrations that are before great religious feast days for a reason. all of us are creatures who possess a dionysan side, a wildness that we have to get out or it will come out in inappropriate ways. these celebrations let that happen--people can just go crazy. this is necessary, but what happens is that so often we don;t understand that we need to integrate all of our sides, and that craziness and wildness often continues in our lives. we need a balance. sunday was our day of the dead memorial service for people who have died of drug related causes. it was a fantastic service. the high light was when our preacher was talking of jesus being in our midst that david lee, a homeless, drunk man came into our midst. jesus was truly present.
these days have been days of hearing the pain of people who are desperate. one young man begged me, to the point of offering me money for a place to stay; several have talked to be about their guilt over being gay and find some relief in hearing that it is ok and that God has created us the way we are and that what God looks for is how we treat others and ourselves in non-abusive ways.
tonight was election night and as expected the anti-panhandling proposition passed, pro business mayor candidate got highest votes. it sickens me to see the demonization of homeless and to see that our leaders will not look at what would alleviate suffering--housing, mental health and substance abuse treatment. they want to "solve" the problem by seeing the homeless as one block of people with the same problems and simply want them to go away. my way of dealing with this is to simply take one day at a time simply doing what i do.
a friend asked me tonight if our ministry would survive the decrease in funds. it is a thought that never crosses my mind. i do ministry, my vocatin is this work, and so one way or another we will do ministry. it is not a matter of my comfort, it is a matter of being faithful.
Deo Gratis!Thanks be to God!
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