Saturday, September 13, 2003
the past two days has beent he street retreat i am directing. very long, with people around me all the time. yesterday was crazy, just crazy. 23 year old, josiah was paranoid, delusional, wanting to drink blood, rolling around in dirt to be black like a "black person," two others were paranoid beyond belief--seeing ghosts. it is hot as fuck here and people are not use to it. jedidiah is out of prison and is back on street, trying to lie about what he is doing, afraid i willtell his mother, onhis continued self destructive path. seminary student asking me what i think is the "myth behind these people in their stories." all i know is we are just broken human beings who make choices, that lead to destructiveness, and for me all is found in the grace of God. and that i am to thepoint in my life where i don;t analyze anything or anyone, we just are, and just need to journey with one another. these have been painful days with jedidiah going back into his cycle, angry at me, then with others projecting anger towards me. also it is often difficult when i have people here for whom this is unfamiliar and my approach is so different, i am exhaused, but once again God is good, indeed she is. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
*****************------------------------*****************
Thursday, September 11, 2003
todays readings are the beatitudes. "Fortunate are the poor for theirs is the realm of God".. . .Fortunate are you when people persecute you. . ."back in the day when i was the pastor of middle class churches these words were beautiful, and it was comforting to know the poor were blessed, and we had to look at our "poverty of spirit"--how nice! but when one preaches this to the poor it is a different story--poverty, and the lack of food, possessions, housing are not so fortunate, and to look ahead to the realm of God is not very comforting either. and i have found out personally that when one is attacked, scandalized, berated, that "being persecuted" is not so fortunate, and when the present is all we have then the "realm of God" is not very comforting either.
and so this is where one works ones faith muscles to see in these words hope of the resurrection, it becomes a matter of trust, but hell it is not easy.
jed (not actual name) spent an hour talking to me about trying to "find God". he is paranoid from speed use and sees people after him every where. he wants a "community to take care of him and tell him what to do." in other words he is vulnerable to a cult.; oasis is struggling with his postive diagnosis by getting high on a constant basis. james has returned, and he tested positive two years ago and stil lhas not contacted a doctor and promises he will go with me to do so. alias, 24 shares he has been kicked out of another homeless program, and the cycle continues. so to hear the words of the beatitudes--well one must work one's faith muscles and see in them hope. scripture becomes reality when it is tired in the cauldrons of life.
i am pissed at the way some things are going in my denomination. i have to remind myself that the church is a whore, but she is also my mother. from her i received the traditions that brought me a relationship to Jesus, she is the one is the keeper of the mysteries and gives me the authority to be a keeper of those mysteries. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
*****************------------------------*****************
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
i spent yesterday and last night at the beach--pacifica. my usual weekly retreat from the stress of the life. had lunch with my close friend keenan and returned to meet my intern thom for our six hours together. deeda was crying tonight because she had her shopping cart stolen three times this week, as thom pointed out she was in such "agony". the agony is more than losing her things--it is an agony of complete loneliness and isolation, an agony of alienation from friends, family, and herself, an agony of knowing that she is in an endless cycle of drug use, and agony of total aloneness. and the minutes thom spent with her, and i spent with her were moments of presence, of affirming her, and of letting her know she is not alone. not much, but when u have so little it is much.streets were rather quiet after 11:00, always a let down after a busy weekend. and so we close another day with compline and the prayer: "may the lord grant us a restful night and a peaceful death!" Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God, Amen.
*****************------------------------*****************
|