Saturday, September 06, 2003
i just told oasis, 19 he was positive, he is glad because he got from the one he loved. in realtiy he is scared to death. i am going to try to get him into seeing a doctor next week but my guess is he will just cover it up with drugs. god this fucking sucks, it hurts. i have known him so long, talked to him about sex and yet he is positive. positive in a world where for him medical treatment is impossible, and now he leaves me feeling so fucking lonely. i look at the picture of jesus with aids over my desk, a body with sores, and i know that in oasis pain, and in our paini jesus suffers, he groans in agony, but god it hurts so now, it hurts so.
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god this has been a long ass day. my heart bleeds. i received testing results for hiv for one young man in the mail today, and it is positive. i have got to sit down and tell him, and then feel the pain, which i feel now. he knows he probably has it and when i tested him i tried to reassure him, but when you have anal sex without acondom for years, u limit ur odds. to tell a 20 year old he has a disease from which he will ultimately die, a 20 year old who has no family, and who is alone. fuck the world is so damn unfair. goddamn it, goddamn it. and then we had thomas jefferson who is 19 and was in a speed psychosis who was seeing images and paranoid, nothing i said or did could ease his pain, what a fucking way we treat our bodies. and i got mad at friends who canceled a appointment i had worked around. i get so pissed with people in their busyness, busyness is only another way of saying" this is not a priority." and so the day goes on. in it all for me there is only the knowledge that i am the biggest fuck up of all and God still loves me, and that as I feel my buddies pain i have to ride that dragon with him, for ultimately we all ride the dragon that leads to suffering and death. i am a difficult human being, very difficult, but what I know is that loves me in that difficultiy and so i am to love this kid to. he just called and he knows, and now the time is coming to tell him.
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Friday, September 05, 2003
5, september, 3 a.m. "Siver and gold have I none, yet all i have i give u" said peter. that is the way i feel so often 25 year old jose was complaining of chills, and sick stomach, after being up for four days straight from speed. wanted money for room, became angry when i said no. it hurts to tell him and others no, and when they don;t understand u don;t have it, is really hard. they live in a world where everything should be available and fixable. walked out my door and there was this old guy digging in garbage for food and when i gave him food was so grateful. add this to the other pulling and tugging of the night, i feel drained and exhausted, but grateful. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God
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Thursday, September 04, 2003
i went to a sex pistols concert last night. i was supposed to take molaki. he had been at my door off and on all day, could hardly wait, and then he did not show up. he was getting high the last time i saw him and so my guess is he lost all track of reality and forgot. and so it goes with these guys, they so want to do things, but can not focus because there one priorty is there drugs. and then we have 20 year old archangel, whom i have known for six years. he goes back forth to his home in ohio, seems to do fine there, but then always comes back, in order "to make it," he is always looking for a job, but the job has to be one that gives him the world. and he starts smoking speed and the cycle continues. year by year i see him get more andmore hardened, more and more cynical, the cycle continues until something gives--either he gets introuble with the law, or he simply burns out and sees reality but more likely he becomes entrenched in the drug culture. the reading for today is luke 5 where Jesus tells peter he will catch people. believe me catching people is hell compared with fish and it takes all of God's grace to continue the journey and so it goes as i now prepare a meal for the street tonight, asparacus casselrole. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003
spent monday and tuesday at beach. great just to be in the sun and country. the daily lectionary readings have been about jesus healing--and casting out "evil spirits," and "demons". this morning i had three at my door, i reprefer the buddish term "starving spirits", evil for me comes in with lack of empathy. gill, 19, eric 20, james 18 (all different names and ages) were each at my door, needing food, needles, advice. they were starving, and in a way over come with a demonic and evil spirit that makes them center everything on themselves to the point of stealing and hurting other people just to get what they want. they are starving for love, for acceptance, just to be recognized, not knowing that their behavior is enough to drive any one away. for me healing comes in simply recognizing them, giving them something to eat, doing their laundry, it is in those moments that they seem less hungry and the self-centeredness goes away. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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Monday, September 01, 2003
Today is labor day, and it is quiet for the most part.i am going to the beach for the today and tonight.. i find myself needing to get away from the constant demands. these past few days there have been so many abscesses. there is something in the dope that is increasing the infections,and added to that these guys just cannot seem to get it that they must be taken care of. i have bandaged and cleaned up afterward more abscesses this week then i have in the past six months. jupiter, 20 was by last night, had been smoking crack. he wasall over the place, trying to get his abscess dressed and then took all of his clothes out of his pack, was here over an hour. and this has been the way it has gone the past two days. one person after another in great need. one of the guys once told me that "u have so many people around u because the "balance attracts the unbalanced" and it is so. people seek out that which they find give them some foundaion, and in this world there are very few people that can be depended on. and kids like jupiter burn their bridges, they are demanding, take over ur place if u let them, and continually demand. the past two nights nothing is never enough, blankets, food, and always demanding winy in my face. people think we live in a world of endless supply, and that is not the reality. as i paid bills for the month i am well aware of that. and so it goes. todays reading is from luke 4, where jesus goes to nazareth and is rejected. the learning for me in this scripture is that when we seek to find our self-worth, and value in what others say or expect we will always be let down. in the past nine years i have been hated, condemned, looked down upon by the very ones i wanted to respect and admire me, and i have learned that i have to find witbin me what is of value and to follow the leading of the Spirit of Jesus as i discern it.
and so i will not write until wednesday, will enjoy the beach, the sun, and the peace and quiet of not having to communicate with any human beings.
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Sunday, August 31, 2003
as always saturdays have been busy. television, 20 shows up at noon, hungry, dirty, with an abscess, god the abscesses, there is bad dope out there. he ate and fell asleep and so i had him all afternoon. he commented i was the only person he knew he could come to and not have anything expected from him. my intern came tonight, and as always i was a bitch in supervision, i hate being such a bitch, but this work is hard. jc came into get his laundry that i did, and then there was the usual drama on the streets, and so the world of polk goes, and God is present in the midst of all the drama. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
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